Quote

"I know what to do with a man. You get them undressed, and they're all basically the same. Scrotum and ego. If you stroke them, they're happy." Joyce Barnhardt in Lean Mean 13 by Janet Evanovich

A Quarter Life Crisis

Current mood: melancholy

An excerpt from my & Courtney's email covo today: I have no flipin' idea! I don't even know what to go to school for. It sounds stupid & I don't know why I'm telling you this, but all I've ever wanted, since I was a little girl was to get married & have kids - to be a homemaker. I've never dreamed of having a career or whatever - just to be a wife & mom. That's why I moved to California after high school instead of going to college. Of course I was young & naive, but I thought Eric & I would have been together forever. Obviously it didn't work out so well, but that hasn't changed how I want to spend my life. So, until I find my husband & he can afford for me to stay home & have babies, I'm kinda stuck in purgatory. And while I'm here in purgatory, I need to maintain my own house & bills & shit, and I need a job to do that. And I'm sick of doing a job I don't enjoy, but I can't think of anything I'd enjoy going to school for. The only "career" I could love would be my music, but that's not gonna happen. Ugh.

The Fifty Nifty United States

ALABAMA Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.

ALASKA One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.

ARIZONA Is the only state in the continental U.S. That doesn't follow Daylight Savings Time.

ARKANSAS Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.

CALIFORNIA Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.

COLORADO In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.

CONNECTICUT The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.

DELAWARE Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.

FLORIDA At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is the largest city in the U.S.

GEORGIA It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.

HAWAII Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents in any other state.

IDAHO TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.

ILLINOIS The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick's Day.

INDIANA Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which gets a half million letters to Santa every year.

IOWA Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the only state that begins with two vowels.

KANSAS Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard of Oz.

KENTUCKY Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.

LOUISIANA Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.

MAINE It's so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.

MARYLAND The Ouija board was created in Baltimore in 1892.

MASSACHUSETTS The Fig Newton is named a f ter Newton, Massachusetts.

MICHIGAN Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.

MINNESOTA Bloomington's Mall of America is so big, if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you'd be there nearly four days.

MISSISSIPPI President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here ... that's how the teddy bear got its name.

MISSOURI Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone .

MONTANA A sapphire from Montana is in the Crown Jewels of England.

NEBRASKA More triplets are born here than in any other state.

NEVADA Has more hotel rooms than any other place in the world.

NEW HAMPSHIRE Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.

NEW JERSEY Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.

NEW MEXICO Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.

NEW YORK Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk.

NORTH CAROLINA Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.

NORTH DAKOTA Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of North America.

OHIO The hot dog was invented here in 1900.

OKLAHOMA The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.

OREGON Has the most ghost towns in the country.

PENNSYLVANIA The smiley, :) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.

RHODE ISLAND The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673.

SOUTH CAROLINA Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko farm.

SOUTH DAKOTA Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.

TENNESSEE Nashville's Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.

TEXAS Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.

UTAH The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.

VERMONT Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's.

VIRGINIA Home of the world's largest office building ... The Pentagon.

WASHINGTON Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state.

WASHINGTON D.C. Was the first planned capital in the world.

WEST VIRGINIA Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.

WISCONSIN The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.

WYOMING Was the first state to allow women to vote.

Some rules were meant to be broken.

According to a quiz at AOL.com…

In San Francisco, all public vehicles need be outfitted with spittoons. The law covers not only cable cars and buses, but trolleys, taxis and police cars as well. City officials may be prosecuted if the law is violated.

Tossing a banana peel on the street is illegal in Waco, Texas, because a horse could slip on it and fall.

The pedestrian is the one fined if he or she is hit by a car. So be on the lookout when you're crossing a street in Virginia!

A woman's hair is the property of her husband once she marries in Michigan.

In Eureka, Nevada, it is illegal for a man with a mustache to kiss a woman.

Passengers in Connecticut can collect $25 from the railroad company if they are delayed more than five minutes on a standing train.

You can't tie your giraffe to a telephone pole or a street lamp in Atlanta or you will be cited.

Don't slurp your soup in a public place in the Garden State. NJ is so concerned with your table manners that this is an illegal act.

When you feel the need to have an outburst in Missouri, make sure it's not in a church. Any member of the congregation can place you under arrest.

Make sure you eat before you go to a funeral in Massachusetts, as it's illegal for any mourner to eat more than three sandwiches at a wake.

Good luck finding someone to show you a car on Sunday afternoon in Colorado. It's illegal for dealers to show cars on that day.

It's illegal to view Moose from an aircraft in Alaska. And if you happen to have a live moose on your flight, don't throw it out of the moving plane. That's illegal too.

It's illegal to take a bite out of anyone's hamburger in Oklahoma.

Better start shaking hands and kissing babies, because if you're a member of Georgia's general assembly, you can't get nabbed for speeding while assembly is in session.

Sleeping nude is illegal in Minnesota.

In New Orleans, fire trucks are required to stop at every red light.

You best make sure that your bar has a kettle of soup on if you're serving beer in Nebraska.

Texas treats stand-up sipping the way Massachusetts treats sandwiches at a funeral. Take more than three sips of that beer and you've broken the law!

If you want to give your sweetheart a box of candy, you have to give 50 lbs worth to stay within Idaho law.

Until you are 18, you cannot legally smoke or vote, or play pinball in South Carolina.

I've always wanted to go to Mexico…

Little did I know, I've already been there. While in hell, oops, I mean my hometown, I was working on a family photo project and came across a photo I've seen a million times before but never paid much attention to. It's a picture of my first trip to Mexico… Tijuana.

Am I retarded?

Current mood: disappointed

Country legend Porter Wagner, AKA the Grandfather of Country Music, passed away at a local hospice on Sunday due to a battle with lung cancer. Of course, living in Nashville, this has been all over the local news; and at the end of all the fond memories reported to the masses, the newscaster stated that memorial donations can be made to the hospice.

I don't get it. What's the need for memorial donations for someone who presumably has a small fortune in their bank account? Now, if the donations are actually to benefit the hospice & the services they provide, then I'm all for it, but shouldn't that be noted in the news cast? Or is that to be assumed? I guess I'm just not up to date the hospice memorial donations scene, but I assume that these donations are to go towards the health & funeral expenses of Mr. Wagner, which I think is just plain silly-ness.

Local people who are able could maybe make donations to the American Cancer Society, or maybe to the families of Chris Caris (age ) and Joshua Cole (age 18) who were, obviously unexpectedly, executed on Oct. 21st while at work, by disgruntled Jason Bobo, a former co-worker, who was fired from Bellacino's back in May for theft.

My heart goes out to Mr. Wagner's friends and family, as I lost my maternal grandfather to lung cancer in high school. I just think it's a little ridiculous to mention memorial donations for a well off musician when there are two local families suffering due to the unexpected murders of loved ones.

Donations for Joshua Cole can be made at Bank of America's Bellevue branch (per Harpeth Hills Funeral Home). I was unable to find mention of donations to be made in Chris Caris' name.

Put some damn clothes on!

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Eye Candy: Little girls' Halloween costumes are looking more like they were designed by Victoria's Secret every year. Are we prudes or is this practically kiddie porn?

By Matthew Philips | Newsweek Web Exclusive

Oct 29, 2007 | Updated: 8:27 a.m. ET Oct 29, 2007

Apparently, witches aren't ugly anymore; they're sexy. So are pirates and pumpkins and princesses--traditional little girl Halloween costumes that used to say, Isn't she cute? now scream, That's hot! with an increasing array of halter tops, bare midriffs and miniskirts. Costume catalogs and Web sites, filled with images of pouty preteens modeling the latest in Halloween fashion, seem almost to verge on child pornography, and ooze with attitude. Witches are "wayward" and grammar-school pirates are "wenches." A girl isn't an Army cadet, she's a "Major Flirt," and who knew female firefighters wore fishnet stockings? Even Little Bo Peep comes with a corset, short skirt and lacy petticoat.

And while complaints about "slutty" kids' costumes may seem like a yearly parents' lament, the industry has been ramping up the sex appeal to ever younger groups of girls. It's not just 10- and 12-year-olds who have gone Halloween trampy. Now 6- and 7-year-old models are featured in catalogs wearing child-sized versions of skimpy costumes that used to be reserved for adult boudoirs. If you think we're exaggerating, note that they're actually selling something called a "Child's Chamber Maid Costume." And, many of the tween girls in the photographs are wearing more make-up than Christina Aguilera on awards night. More disturbing may be their expressions--they look as if they've been told to give the camera their best "sexy" gaze.

Tack on all the licensed outfits from popular TV shows and toy lines like Cheetah Girls, Bratz and Hannah Montana, and parents are having to search farther a field for something that won't make their little trick-or-treater look like a lady of the night. But with adolescent girls parading around in short-shorts that say JUICY across the bottom, and every younger girls aspiring to be a diva of some sort, is it any wonder that their Halloween costumes have gotten racier? "No, but it is distressing," says Joe Kelly, founder of the advocacy group Dads and Daughters. He sees the trend as symptomatic of a deeper issue. "The hypersexualization of younger and younger girls only serves to reinforce gender roles. When an 8-year-old girl can't find a doctor costume because all they have are nurse outfits, that's a problem." Celia Rivenbark, author of the 2006 parental manifesto "Stop Dressing your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank," has noticed it too, and says that Halloween has become "just another excuse for little girls to dress like sluts."

This year Americans will spend close to $2 billion on Halloween costumes, nearly double what they spent in 2003, according to the National Retail Federation. With so much money up for grabs, more and more retailers have elbowed their way into the costume market, increasing the pressure to offer a unique take on old favorites. "The idea of vamping up the appeal of the costume is something we've seen a lot of," says NRF spokesperson Kathy Grannis. So while the variety of costumes has certainly increased, they all look more and more alike. Whether it's a "Midnight Fairy Rock Girl," a "Scar-let Pirate" or "Miss-Behaved," chances are if you buy your daughter the costume she really wants, the one all the other little girls are wearing, she'll show up at the neighbor's doorstep in a choker collar, high-heels and baring enough skin to give you a real fright.

These new "edgier" costumes are simply reflections of pop culture, says Jackie MacDonald, a costume buyer for catalog giant Lillian Vernon. "Girls today seem to like a little pizzazz. The same old princesses aren't where it's at anymore," she says, before carefully noting, "We don't want to say they're sexier, just more confident."

Not that there's anything patently wrong with young girls wanting to look pretty. Child psychologists agree that embracing and understanding their attractiveness is a key part of early-adolescent development for girls. But when sexiness and body image become the sole criteria by which they judge themselves and each other, "That's when we start to see problems," says Dr. Eileen Zurbriggen, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Cruz, who last year chaired the American Psychological Association's (APA) Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls. Their report, issued in February, declared that, "Throughout U.S. culture, and particularly in mainstream media, women and girls are depicted in a sexualized manner."

That shouldn't come as much of a surprise to anyone who's watched TV or thumbed through a magazine in the last 50 years. But what might be news is the increasing evidence of the negative impact an overemphasis on body image has on girls' lives. The APA task force's team of psychologists linked oversexualization with three of the most common mental health problems for women 18 and older: eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression. And there is evidence that the effect is trickling down the age brackets. "Clinicians are reporting that younger and younger girls are presenting with eating disorders and are on diets," says Zurbriggen.

Dr. Sharon Lamb, also on the APA task force, has recently coauthored a book, "Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters From Marketing Schemes," which includes a chapter devoted solely to sexy Halloween costumes. Lamb points out that most Web sites selling kids Halloween costumes divide merchandise along gender lines, and typically offer more choices for boys than girls (boys get to be doctors, police officers as well as gory monsters and "Star Wars" characters). Of the 22 girl costumes featured on one Web site Lamb looked at, 15 were cheerleaders, divas and rock stars. "That really limits girls' imaginations," says Lamb, who surveyed 600 young girls for the book, many of whom admitted to dressing up as something sexy for Halloween in order to get attention.

Of course this not the kind of attention most parents want for their pre-teen daughters. But how do you compromise with a kid who's begging to be a saucy witch when all you want to do is go back to the days when she wanted to be a lion cub or a Teletubby? There's no easy answer for that question. But even if you can't talk her into a Hillary Clinton pantsuit, you might be able to convince her that real pirates wear pants.

© 2007 Newsweek, Inc.

Why I love Barack

"I have clearly stated my belief that gays and lesbians are our brothers and sisters and should be provided the respect, dignity, and rights of all other citizens. I have consistently spoken directly to African-American religious leaders about the need to overcome the homophobia that persists in some parts our community so that we can confront issues like HIV/AIDS and broaden the reach of equal rights in this country.

I strongly believe that African Americans and the LGBT community must stand together in the fight for equal rights. And so I strongly disagree with Reverend McClurkin's views and will continue to fight for these rights as President of the United States to ensure that America is a country that spreads tolerance instead of division."

- Barack Obama
10/22/07

I'm so ready for vacation!

Current mood: cynical

50 phrases you wish you could say at work

1. Ahhh…I see the F-up fairy has visited us again…
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8.I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sht.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31. You!… Off my planet!
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer

Avoidance

"Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men.

"They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."

What I Want

8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage

The surprising, enlightening, and sometimes hard truths we all face after we walk down the aisle - and how they teach us about what love really means.

By Ylonda Gault Caviness

"...And they lived happily ever after." You're smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.

In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick - and you're the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I've been there.

Let's face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain't always pretty.

That may sound grim. But here's a secret: Sometimes it's the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, "Is this it? Forever?"

When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy - your soul mate - you'll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn't make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, "This is so not what I signed up for."

Actually, it is. You just didn't realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other's faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that "for better and for worse" doesn't kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills.

That's when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It's not him. It's just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You're learning that marriage isn't a destination; it's a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.

Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that's better than any fairy tale.

2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people say, "Marriage takes work," you assume "work" means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.

If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths - and from where he sits, you're pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn't mean you're done - it just means you've advanced to graduate-level studies. That's because every time you think you've mastered the material, he'll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

"It's like losing weight," says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. "You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it's a lifestyle. That's marriage. The effort is a forever thing." So don't be too hard on yourself - or him - on those days when you feel like you're struggling through remedial math.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

Whoever decided to tell newlyweds "Never go to bed angry" doesn't know what it's like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I've got three words for you: Sleep on it.

You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I've found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you're both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.

Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. "This was a huge lesson for me," says Andrea. "As women we've been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I'd let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself - let the emotions settle a bit - and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day."

4. You will go without sex - sometimes for a long time - and that's okay.

There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I don't say this because I know he may read this article. I've seen women checking him out when they think I'm not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don't have to sneak a peek. I don't mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don't feel like having sex - often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his name is sexy.) I can't lie and say this is always okay with him. But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he's not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don't do it. And then a few more. And....

Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn't a sign that you've lost your mojo or that you'll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. (I don't know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.)

And don't kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you "should" be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. "I used to think, What's happened to us? We always used to be in the mood," says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA, who's been married for five years. "Now I know better. Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long commute, and we have two small children. I think we're good."

The key is to make sure that even if you're not doing "it," you're still doing something-touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we're not having spine-tingling sex.

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It's really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It's just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more "right" I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he's right most of the time (go figure!). So we'd lock horns - often. That is, until I learned a few things.

Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong - there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband's. "I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage," says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. "Now I see that I'm not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There's more gray in life than I thought, and that's taught me patience and the value of compromise."

The more I get to know and appreciate my husband for who he is, the more I respect his positions. That doesn't mean I always agree with him. But I can see the value in striking a balance that satisfies us both. And instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, "I see your point" or "I hadn't considered that." After I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I'm being heard, most of the time now, I don't even want to prove how right I am anymore. Funny how that works, isn't it?

6. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it's also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don't just raise your voices; you raise real - sometimes buried - issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn't give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won't break us; they'll only make us stronger.

7. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.

Ever seen the '80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr. Right? When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich's android character into her personal version of the ideal man - sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.

There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us - something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we're doing the right thing.

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man - stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies - is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you're lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.

Here's a perfect case in point: "I used to go off on my husband because he didn't empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen," says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. "It got me nowhere; my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen looks clean, I'm like, 'Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink trap.'"

8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.

I've got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I'm sure, that I've yet to fully discover. I guess I've always known I wasn't perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I've been smacked upside the head with the cold, hard evidence.

There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was super-suspicious of him. He used to say things like, "I'll call you at 8." Then, just to try to trip me up, he'd call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn't figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me - really and truly - this stuff wouldn't happen.

I'd like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I've come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I've had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.

I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept - after all, it's so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby's deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship - you'll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you're learning to do with him.

That's the strange beauty of marriage: It's full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together - and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.