Apparently I’m Gay???

What does it mean to be gay? I thought it had to do with your sexuality, but I guess now it really IS all about the stereotypes….

Last weekend I received a package in the mail. Here is what was in the box:

When I pulled it out of the box a comment was made to the effect of, “I thought you didn’t like art & stuff like that.” What I’ve never been able to honestly tell that person is that I do actually love art, especially photography, but that I just didn’t favor their home-made-arts-&-crafts-country-kitchen-cowboy-ranch-hodge-podge décor. So I said something like, “No, I like lots of art. I just tend to favor bold, clean lines, black & white photography, and more minimalist and masculine design.” This person then said point blank, “You don’t think you’re gay, do ya?”

WHAT THE FUCK??? Since when does one’s home décor & design taste determine their sexuality?

Let me just set the record straight… Pun intended. I am a feminine (not girly) female who LOVES penis, and sometimes fantasizes about getting some girl-on-girl action but will never actually follow through with it. I love my hetro friends and I love my gay friends and I love my les friends - and I mean real lesbians, not sorority girls who like to put on a show. But at the end of the day, when I lay me down to sleep, I dream about the MAN who I’ll spend the rest of my life with, who will be the most amazing father to our children. No matter the sex fantasies and no matter the real life girl crushes I’ve had & never acted on (unless you count that one summer I went on 2 dates with a girl, who on date two I noticed she had tons of dirt under her fingernails and I was totally disgusted at the thought of her potentially fingering me, not to mention how dirty her vagina might be), I am just a plain jane hetro gal.

But since I like masculine design, I must be a big ole BUTCH BUTCH BUTCH DYKE lesbian. LOL - I love how people connect the dots in their own minds.

Now, in all fairness, this person has never met anyone I’ve dated. But that’s because I choose to keep my private life private. There’s no need for you to meet every random Joe I date, until I’ve determined if he has any serious long-term potential. But that doesn’t make me gay!

And I’ve gotta pull the “technicality” card too. I have a vagina, and as long as I do, I can never be gay. Like I said before, I like penis. If I said I like penis, and also had a penis, I’d be gay. Since I have a vagina, if I said I liked vagina, then I’d be a lesbian. But I have a vagina and like penis, and that means I’m straight. We could get into all the bi-sexual / bi-curious mumbo jumbo, but I won’t, as I’ve clearly confused one too many people already.

But what if I was a lesbian? Does this right-wing, bible-thumping “homosexuality is a sin” ultra-conservative person really think I’d come out to them? When pigs fly out of my penis (and sometimes vagina) loving vagina!