That should have been ME???????

I just found out that my first true love (who I'll call E) is now married. He and I were head over heals in love, but that's kind of how it works when you're 18/19. We met online and became the best of online/phone friends. After some time E confessed his feelings for me, but I was already in a relationship w/ a no good loser (know simply as loser or pencil dick) who I stupidly gave my virginity to. After things ended w/ loser, E & I remained friends, he still having feelings for me, but me being too hung up on loser. Come NYE of 1999, E told me he would be going to the beach w/ his family, and I got jealous. I don't know why, we lived 2,195 miles apart, so it's not like we could spend it together anyhow. Even if we spent it together on the phone, it would have been weird celebrating at 12am Central time and again at 12am West Coast time. Not to long after that I confessed my jealousy and admitted to him and myself that I did indeed have feelings for him too. To make a long story short, we became a couple, despite the distance. The fall after graduated high school, I packed up my belongings and drove across the country to be with him. To make a long story short, we didn’t make it very long. Regardless of how much we loved each other we learned that things about the other that we didn’t like. Nothing big, just little things – but things that you can’t possibly know about someone who you are not around on a regular basis. It sucked and I cried a lot for the next several months. And 9 mo. after I moved there, I packed up my belongings once again and drove back across the country to my home town. Once I was out of his little bitty town w/ nothing to do (not even a 24-hr Wal-mart) and back home, I started to heal and realized just how wrong we were for each other, but I still loved him cause he was a great guy. I still love him and still think he’s a great guy. Granted, this was about 10 yrs ago, but still. He’s one of the few guys I’ve dated that didn’t end up being a jackass, and he also showed me what a real relationship was like, as my parents did not provide very good examples of healthy relationships. Anyway, I didn’t talk to him after I moved home in 2001, not until 2006, 1 ½ yrs after I moved to Nashville. We had a good phone call catching up, and we friended each other on myspace, but that was the end of it. He ended up contacting me again some time later to discuss how things ended with us. He said he always felt bad about how he ended things, not giving me much of a reason other than he couldn’t see himself marrying me. I told him he shouldn’t feel bad, cause he (or our relationship) provided me w/ a lot of tools that my parents had never given me, and that after I was “over” our breakup, I also realized that we weren’t meant to be together. It wasn’t a long conversation, but we both felt like we had a little more closure. Since I no longer use my myspace page & have deleted it, I figured I’d try to find him on Facebook, just to say hi & see how things are going. I found him, and his profile is 99% private, but his profile picture is of him in a tux, gazing into the eyes of his bride. In the microscopic second it took me to see what I was seeing, I felt two very different emotions simultaneously. The first was “aww, congrats E!” and the second was “that should have been me!” Quite the oxymoron. I’m truly happy for E. I always knew that someday he’d make one woman very happy, and I’m happy about that. I don’t know who she is, but she must be one lucky lady to have won his love.

Entitled

I'm one lucky girl! We have a cafeteria at my place of employment, so I don't have to pack a meal (something I'm horrible at), or go out in the frigid cold to find some grub. And it's located only one floor below me. It's still cafeteria food though, but I digress. So, along w/ shitty cafeteria food, we have a wall of vending machines. What more could a fat girl ask for? Being the lazy fatty that I am, I usually take the elevator down to the cafe, cause I'm a lazy fatty. Well, today, at breakfast, I took the stairs down! Holy shit - she walked down one whole flight of stairs! I took the lift back up, but still, pretty impressive, right?!?! Hold your horses, cause there's more! At lunch, I took the stairs again! AND I ORDERED A SALAD W/ GRILLED CHICKEN - WITHOUT DRESSING! I normally eat something much more hearty & filling for lunch, so come 3:30, I was hungry, which ENTITLED me to a snack from the wall of vending machines. So, along w/ my 20 oz of Diet Pepsi for $1.25, I also purchased a $0.75 pkg of cream cheese & chive cracker sandwhiches, as well as a $1.00 EXTRA CRISPY Kit Kat. I think my grilled chicken salad more than entitles me to that plethora of calories for my afternoon snack, don't you?

I've never been so releaved in all my life...

I've never been so releaved in all my life... to have seen spotting in my drawls! Well, except for one summer when I was 17 and thought I might be prego from the time my then bf & I had unprotected sex on his sister's washing machine while she, her husband & their kids were asleep upstairs. So yeah, the spotting I found today explains why I've wanted to do nothing but stuff myself full of chips & salsa, and why since I've come home from my little excursion to hell (or, to visit family over Christmas) my pants seem more snug than usual, even though we didn't even have a Christmas feast. It also explains why I spent last night curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out about that dude not having called me since I got back from previously stated excursion to hell. I knew in my head I was being irrational, but IT HURT SO BAD that he's gone MIA since I returned home. Guess that's just what happens when a chick gets her period.

Ugh!

To all the people who feel they need to marinate themselves in their cologne/perfume, PLEASE STOP!

Disappointed & Confused For Other Reasons, But Consistantly Shallow, & Shit.

My last post was Monday. Today is Friday - New Years Day to be exact, so happy NY and all that shit. Since my last post I decided that I will give that dude the benefit of the doubt regarding the pics, but I still have every right to be fearful (aka shallow). I guess disappointed & confused come in to play since I haven't talked to him in a week. Unless he read my last post, which I highly doubt since no one reads this shit, I'm not sure what's up. I know all about the "He's Just Not That Into You" shit. I've sat back & not been a pest, trying to let him come to me, but not knowing what his deal is is making my skin itch! How do you go from multi-page emails to marathon phone calls to no phone calls or emails at all? I just don't get it, and it makes me want to cry & shit.

When that dude & I first started emailing & clicked, I got my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, I'd finaly have a date for NYE. This was my 28th consecutive NYE spent as a singleton. I don't know why it bothers me, but it does. I don't care nearly as much about Valentines or Birthdays or Christmas, but when it comes to NYE, it feels like I'm missing out since I don't have anyone to kiss at midnight. That also makes me want to cry & shit.